a day in the life...

justice is slow but exact

bananarama98 — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 22:50:03 +0000

I heard this from both my mother and my sister when I told them that things were not going to play out on time. (this was last month) My faith in the judicial system has ridiculously weakened. I know people do dumb shit all the time that requires lawful punishment and the Courthouse is always up to their ears in cases, but honestly, what is worse: a traffic violation or a first degree murderer out on bond? 11 months so far of ‘freedom’. Its not fair. He gets to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and even Valentine’s Day with his “family”. Point blank and premeditated and he gets to wake up to a new day. Its not fair. I figure the reality is, (as told by my sister) that he is walking on eggshells and that he’ll not be able to enjoy the holidays with the way things are. But really, nothing compares to being with family during the holidays. I don’t even know that I can call those people a “family”. I hate guns so much. 100% and hell bent. He’s a lowlife coward that ruined everything and yet I can’t hate him. Matter of factly speaking, I forgave a lone time ago. I’ll never know why, but it doesn’t mean I don’t blame him. He deserves what he’ll get.

One thing: Don’t hold back. Regretting is the worst.

the American dream deferred

bananarama98 — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 00:20:42 +0000

After Thursday’s discussion on freedom and the American dream, it occurred to me that despite all of the times I talked with my parents about Guyana (the country where they’re from), we never really discussed why they immigrated. They said one thing, one word that is so broad it almost stand without meaning- opportunities. I still do not fully understand what they meant by this and I feel like i’ll get the same answer every time. My mom’s dad wanted a better life for his kids. (Keep in mind my mom came from a family with 10 kids and my dad came from a family with 15 kids). My mom was to sent to Nebraska to attend college by her father. “I really didn’t want to go back to Guyana.” When I asked her why, of course she said opportunities but she also mentioned jobs. My dad traveled everywhere and landed here for Chemical Engineering. All the while I never heard them mention any difficult times in Guyana. From what I’ve gathered, the appeal seems to reside in education. “With knowledge comes power.” You can’t have very many opportunities if you lack the knowledge of it all. Hell, thats why I’m in school now. But my mom says that my dad and her had bigger plans for my sister, brother and me. Their dreams for us had to be put off because things didn’t exactly fall into place like how they wanted. Granted we’re still well off and nothing is wrong, its just not what they had in mind. I guess it was like a plan A 1/2- not so much a plan B.

I cannot speak for anyone being that I was born here and never immigrated anywhere, but maybe the “American dream” isn’t American at all. The dream belongs to the dreamer and it may just happen to take place in America.

yea, my head hurts

bananarama98 — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 04:18:51 +0000

In two weeks and six days, i’m going to have to brace myself for something I never wanted to experience in life. It hurts but it’s where I need to be. I hate guns, and that will never change.

The other day Slim Jim and I went to lunch and he told me a story about his teacher-which I will not mention on here because it’s brutal and not my place. Ultimately it lead to forgiveness. And I got to thinking as I always do.

Why did I forgive them? Where in the spirit does forgiveness come from? It’s not like I’m fighting myself on my inability to hate the people that destroyed EVERYTHING, I just don’t understand where it comes from. And is it worse to not forgive yourself for things you never did?

Oh where oh were could my baby be
The lord took him away from me
He’s gone to heaven so I’ve got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world♥

mmm drink it down!

bananarama98 — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 04:36:47 +0000

*sighs* Hot cocoa is possibly one of THE GREATEST CREATIONS for a cold night..next to fleece pants with cute draw strings Mmmmmmm seriously

So let’s talk Blacksburg shall we? ‘Twas the first road trip of the year. The three hour drive was exhilarating. The music was iffy but the company was good. The scenery was beautiful,cold, ear-popping, and relaxing. That was the ride up. The adventure started once we hit “McCain country”. An oversized sign was there to ‘welcome’ us. A big rectangle that shouted “welcome to hell, enjoy your stay!” Tech was not what I thought it’d be. Aesthetically it was pleasing. Like a creepy conservative Star’s Hollow. The first road we entered on our quest to find our best friend (whos phone did not have a ringer) was frat hell. EVERY HOUSE inhabited bros in maroon and orange. Oh did I mention it was GAME DAY!? I’m not one for those groups neither are any of my friends-so naturally our reaction was to wind up the windows and speed up a little. We ended up going in a giant square and hitting that avenue twice. When we found our girl she was wearing a maroon long sleeve and I almost cried. I know its her school but it felt like Pleasantville. An eerie zombie Pleasantville. She changed her shirt once we got back to the dorms. But everyone in her hall was decked out head to toe in Tech gear. EVEN THE SOCKS!! Why would feet need to rep a school? WHY!? I love spirit for anything but overkill is never ok. People stared as we walked in our non-hokie clothes. One guy even road past us and shouted “Vote for McCain!” Really? Were we that obvious? Oh and the Democratic headquarters is apparently not a place of good vibes. Someone threw a rock at the window. I missed the comforting appeal of my city.

I fell in love with the fall atmosphere. Or maybe it was all of the maroon and orange that made me think of fall…darn. But the reunion was nice…despite my turning stomach.

sneezy

bananarama98 — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 20:07:38 +0000

It seriously boggles my mind how I’m able to get allergies year round. This is ridiculous..lol Anyway lately we’ve been discussing groups that we associate ourselves with. This has turned out to be sort of a hard task. Both groups of people that I hang out with don’t have any major habits to their names. If they do, I don’t necessarily share in it with them i.e politics or indie music. We all like to do some things together but I wouldn’t say that that’s what makes us. And another thing, I’ve always felt like the happy medium between the two groups. They aren’t polar opposites, just not each others’ cup of tea.

Or what if it isn’t necessarily what you do, but what you want to do. Like traveling or something like that. Right now I paint, jogg, listen to/play music(but who doesn’t ?) I don’t associate myself with a group of painters, joggers or violists..so what would I say. We don’t have an avid passion for the same things, we just get along-we are who we are and that clicks.

grey skies and broken faith

bananarama98 — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 04:13:34 +0000

I never understood why people disliked “gloomy days”. I’ve always thought they were gorgeous. Not because I’m some depressing person or that I’m infatuated with being melancholy-i’m neither. To me, it just seems more realistic than a sunny day. People shouldn’t blame their ‘bad days’ on the weather just because isn’t out and shining. Even during hockey games, I loved playing the rain or on a grey-skied day. However, the fact that the temperature is dropping makes me nervous. Soon it will be winter…and it just won’t be the same.

Today’s Human Spirituality class was crucial. The topic was faith: why some people have it, why other’s don’t, it’s difference between religion, and beyond. It hurt to sit there and listen to stories of shaken faith and others of enlightenment. Someone who I greatly admire and hold dearly pointed out (I had never heard of it this way until he told me) that true Christianity is the relationship between you and Christ-no one else! Its a tough relationship to hold firmly. My professor, who I also admire for the fact that despite her work with the church, she’ll never impose her beliefs on us, said that people she met at conventions would say that the Lord does not help you in times of need, but is there beside you during times of woe. This of course raised an ongoing fierce debate which lasted nearly all class and almost made two other people cry. Already breaking from my own past, hearing other people’s stories of calling with no felt response crushed me. And then hearing that ‘everything happens for a reason’!!! BS!!! Its too hard to truly believe that. Yea today was no fun in room 303. At least I didn’t have to listen to blahblah 2012 talk. Whatever happens, happens.

Believe you me, I’m no saint nor do I call myself a true Christian. I never will. I’m just me- and I don’t live by something I’ve never read. I believe what I believe and that makes me content.

Time to get laundry folks!!

today and planning

bananarama98 — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 01:05:33 +0000

The thirteenth of every month always and will forever suck for me. I wish guns were never invented. They serve no purpose but for destruction.

I went home for the weekend as usual. I’m trying not to make it a habit but it was one of those ‘bonding’ opportunities with the brosef. And I miss being able to sleep in a REAL bed-not some generic hospital nonsense. I thought I was going back to the dorms this morning, but that clearly was not going to happen. Just another example of how bad at planning I am. I wish this thing had smileys. But really, I should be working on homework and reading for Mass Comm. Good Lord this is no going to turn out well. Oh whatever, I’m dropping that major next semester anyway. Its just not going to work out between us. Our plans just aren’t the same. Listen to Sister Hazel’s “Change Your Mind’. Good song. Keep it real people.

I hope tonight isn’t a bust!

sleep

bananarama98 — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 02:01:59 +0000

I got very little sleep last night and therefore today was overly sluggish. It sucked. It was through my own fault however. I just took a three hour nap and now i’m thinking that will throw me way off when it does come time for me actually sleep tonight. My sleep cycle seems to have abandoned me :/. I don’t feel well now. This blog really serves no purpose except for the fact that SLEEP IS CRUCIAL. I don’t ever remember getting hit that hard from sleep deprivation.

I cannot wait for this weekend. I want to go home but not for long. Maybe just a day. I’m trying to avoid ranting-but at the same time I myself am no profound blogger. I miss the quiet of my house. There was no construction I don’t understand why they work at night. Like really? Don’t people normally tend to sleep around night time? (Well maybe not me-at least not here) DON’T THEY KNOW ITS QUIET HOURS!!?? geeze..

I think i’m just going to bathe…and sleep. Goodniiiiight!

no idea what i’m doing

bananarama98 — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 02:27:31 +0000

I have no clue what the difference between a page and a post is. But no matter. College is not so much what i though it’d be. I like it though. At least i’m not so lost as to what i’d like to be when the time coms for a career. This of course would involve dropping my current major and picking up a new one. Oh well-you have to do what you have to do. I’m glad at least I have an idea now-what i am good at. My neck hurts.

New subject- Dorm Rooms. Its nice to be “on my own”, but it will NEVER have that homey feeling. I can never fall asleep in this bed. Plus my mind races and the city noise drives me crazy. today I just layed there for hours after having woken up due to the contruction site outside. Its not easy but its not impossible. I miss home though. I always will, now that I know what it is- home I mean.

Time for bed-and by bed I mean laying there and pretending.

Somewhere a phone rings

bananarama98 — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 22:49:18 +0000

AND NO ONE IS ANSWERING!!! (insert annoyed emoticon)

I find it ironic how the first read of college was a selection on how college guarantees us nothing, and then the next was a more positive passage on how to cope with college and where it can take you. Was this a practical attempt to keep us humble? What am I saying really? I don’t care-enlightened? Annoyed? yes. Anyway, the first two weeks weren’t so bad. But there is one definite sign that i’m in a completely different territory-the fact that i’m yet to get settled into the swing of things. Could it be my scrambled priorities? Or an unconscious resistance? I don’t mind it so much, but never thought i’d say that I truly miss home. My place of refuge. And an even BIGGER bonus- I could actually fall asleep there. Who knew? I’m still not sure what I am doing here or what I will end up doing here but part of me wishes I had waited.

I can’t find music on youtube and it bothers me. Enough for me to stop writing.